Joy

Over the last few days, I have been feeling much joy. What is making me feel joyous?

I travelled up to Leeds on Thursday afternoon and stayed in a splendid hotel, one that has a swimming pool. A fabulous night of sleep meant that I woke up super early in the morning. I decided to go for a swim first thing. For all 600m of lengths, I had the whole pool to myself. What a treat!

Dinky Engine

I saw the smallest most dinky train engine at Doncaster station. For some reason, this sight made me really happy. How cute is this little engine?!

On the way home from Leeds, I was tweeting my super exciting train journey home. And then something brilliant happened. A tweeple friend pointed out that we were on the same train. We chatted in the train vestibule for about 20 minutes before I had to get off at my stop.

My training for the half marathon continues to progress. On Tuesday I will graduate to Week 3 (of 8) of the Couch 2 5k running plan. I had great fun this morning. It had rained heavily over night so I ran through loads of puddles this morning and this resulted in plenty of mud being splashed around. Inside, I’m just a big kid – I must admit that I didn’t go out of my way to avoid the muddy puddles.

James C. Brett – ‘Marble’ – Chunky yarn.

Today has involved spending time with friends. I caught up with one friend over brunch. I spent time with Former Housematey this afternoon. She is a bad influence on me! I hadn’t intended to buy anything, apart from a new swimsuit (my current one has become worryingly transparent due to being eaten by the chlorine). Instead, I ended up buying myself a new swimsuit AND I bought myself some yarn for a jumper that I’d like to knit.

In April, I absolutely loved watching The Great British Sewing Bee. Prior to the program, I had been thinking about buying myself a sewing machine and learning how to sew. Watching the program, I was hooked from the first episode and was inspired from the word go. To reward myself and celebrate finishing my MSc, I had been thinking about buying myself an iPad. However, I can’t help but think that iPads have a finite lifespan. I feel like finishing my MSc will need a reward that is going to last a bit longer than an iPad. After some research and receiving some extremely helpful suggestions from kindly folk, I took the plunge and bought this sewing machine. It’s being delivered on Tuesday! I will start to learn how to use it before I submit my dissertation. While some might say that it will just act as a distraction, I started to learn how to knit 9 days before I sat my final Open University exam.

Oh yeah, and while I was out with Former Housematey, I also bought myself a new handbag. Because let’s face it, a woman can never have too many handbags, right?

Purple Handbag

Number of days remaining until dissertation submission: 29.

France

Je voudrais une glace, deux boules. Quelquefois, je vais a un match de football avec mon pere. Il fait froid.

My French is great, isn’t it?! I can say that I would like an ice cream with two scoops. Or that sometimes, I go to a football match with my Dad. Oh, and that it is cold.

Today I found out that I might be going to France on a work related gig in a couple of weeks time. I checked out flights with the intention of trying to get there and back within a day. Why? So as to ensure I could be back home for the weekend. I don’t have exciting plans for the weekend, it’s just that I need to be back home to work on my dissertation.

I’ve been studying part time while working full time for 6 years. Right now, in this moment, I want to be done with the studying so that I can take advantage of the travel opportunities that come with my job. Plus, a long weekend in the south of France is rather appealing. I like cheese.

Donkey Donkey

Someone arrived here looking for 10000 ass. I don’t have any donkeys but google certainly do. Or perhaps you were looking for a donkey sanctuary? Failing that, perhaps you just wanted to read more about donkeys. Well, wikipedia is always a good place to start. 

If you were looking for buttocks…? Scram! You will find none of those here. 

Rested and Restored

I woke up at 9am this morning. I’d gone to bed at 10.30pm. I calculate 10.5 hours sleep. Rested and restored, I reflected with @FemalePTSD and @katabaticesque on where I was at 2 years ago. Two years ago, sleep was nigh on impossible. It certainly wasn’t restful, or restorative; sleep was punctuated with fears and nightmares.

I spent 6 May 2011 at The Doolally Day Hospital. In the afternoon, I made my excuses and left the pottery group. I popped home briefly to book budget a hotel room and pick up the supplies I would need to kill myself. I then headed off to the hotel with the sole intention of killing myself. 

To declare myself cured would be an overstatement. I had a nightmare during the week, the contents of which intruded into the following day. Instead, what I would say is that though it’s not all plain sailing, on the whole, I’m glad I didn’t kill myself.

This morning I tweeted my plan for the day: Buy a card and birthday pressie for Housematey (v2), clear out one kitchen cupboard, go for a swim, do food shop for the week. I managed all of these things, except for the swim. Clearing out the cupboard was extremely cathartic. I decided to skip the swim due to an IBS flareup. I have no idea what caused it… But a mid-afternoon flare is quite unusual for me.

Glass of Port. The pub sold it to us in measures of 175ml.

During the week, I committed to keeping this weekend MSc free. On Friday evening, I went out for drinks with colleagues. I spent Saturday in London with some dear friends. Sunday involved church, lunch with Housematey (v2), knitting, a run and a Patrick Swayze evening. We watched Dirty Dancing on TV and then Ghost on DVD. This weekend has been incredibly restorative. The next 4 weeks are going to be challenging. I have the last week of May and the first week of June booked off as annual leave. I won’t be going on holiday anywhere, instead, I will be writing my dissertation. 

The week before last I went out for drinks with colleagues. After a one (well, maybe a few) too many G&Ts, I agreed to run a half marathon with a colleague in October. Oooops! Needless to say, I am now on the Couch to 5k for the umpteenth time. Post-MSc, I would also like to take part in a triathlon. And I think it would also be quite fun to catch a sleeper train to Penzance and then cycle back to Happyville.

This morning I saw a tweet from @sheridanvoysey “New Blog: Introducing the Resurrection Year Launch Team (and how you can get involved too) http://buff.ly/11NgwSU  #resurrectionyear“. I signed up to be part of the Launch Team and received my e-book later on this afternoon. To say I’ve been captivated by Resurrection Year is a bit of an understatement. I read the book from start to finish, punctuated only with emergency visits to the bathroom. I’ll be posting a review of the book on here on 28 May.

Pondering a PhD and Publication

I have just returned from the University of Generic City. It’s the second time I’ve been on campus since I started my (distance learning) MSc in October 2011. It was good to spend a few days up there with my fellow course mates. I particularly appreciated the discussions we had around our dissertations. There were other aspects that felt a bit like a busman’s holiday because there’s quite some overlap between the course and my day job. On the other hand, it was great to meet my dissertation supervisor in the flesh. Although we’ve spoken on the phone and exchanged numerous emails, it’s always good to be able to put a face to a name. 

On Friday night I met with my supervisor on a 1:1 basis and talked over some of the ideas I have in relation to my dissertation. Like most psychology students, I’m a bit concerned about the statistics but talking over my ideas and understanding was useful. I was jotting down a few notes when my supervisor said “You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?” and I replied, “Err, well, I tend to look back on these things and find that, yes, on reflection, I enjoyed them.” I’m investigating the effects of mindfulness. I can’t help but notice how un-mindful I am sometimes *chuckles*.

As we continued to bounce ideas around, I said “there are so many different angles that could be taken on this… Argh! I have to keep on reminding myself that I’m doing an MSc, not a PhD.” To which my supervisor replied “But you could turn this into a PhD, you’ve got loads of data already.” I suspect my face gave it away as my eyes bulged out of their sockets. Right now, in the midst of word counts, deadlines and data analysis: t-tests, ANOVAs, correlations and regression*, a PhD is the last thing on my mind. My supervisor suggested asking my employer for funding for the PhD. But before I do a PhD, I would like to become a Chartered Psychologist and this is probably going to take a further 3 years, post-MSc. Apparently there’s nothing stopping me from working towards Chartered status and pursuing a PhD at the same time. The thing is, at some point, I would like to have a life too!

Last summer (if that’s what you could call it), I took some time off work to write various assignments. I had a great time and more than once I had a fleeting thoughts of doing a PhD. I think these thoughts originated from the fact that I had no other demands on my time for those couple of weeks. I can’t help but think that I would have got waaay more out of my MSc had I not had to juggle it with full-time work. So while a PhD is demanding, relentless and bloody hard work, the thought does appeal. As I sit here and write this post, entertaining the notion of becoming a PhD student, it all feels very idealistic. Me, my subject, the energy, the passion, the enthusiasm for pushing the boundaries of research and knowledge… A very romanic notion indeed.

My supervisor suggested that once my dissertation is written, we take a look at it and see whether it would be suitable for submission to an academic journal. I like the idea of that. Certainly one thing in my favour towards publication is that my population is diverse (as in, the sample for my research isn’t psychology students).

For now? I will continue to ponder and consider my options. I think what has prompted this reflection is that pursuing publication and a PhD has felt unrealistic. I’m not the sharpest tool in the box, I never have been and I never will be. Like so many others, comparing and measuring myself against other people comes easily. But what has stuck with me is the compliment from my supervisor. He wouldn’t have made these suggestions if he didn’t think I was capable. I am capable. And that is the message I have brought home with me.

* I am not using all of these techniques.

Blog Award and 13 Things For 2013

The World of Mentalists Awards 2012

Along with Bourach and Crazy in the Coconut, Chaos and Control was shortlisted for the ‘Best Anxiety, Stress or Trauma Blog’ on the The World of Mentalists awards. When the winners were announced on 1 January, I was delighted to read that Bourach had won. To my great surprise and delight, I discovered that Chaos and Control had also won the wildcard award. It was totally unexpected so thanks to folks for nominating me and the judges for doing a grand job of, err, judging.

I am not one for New Years Resolutions. But I do like the idea of setting personal development type goals for myself. The plan for 2013 is to make a list and do the 13 things on the list. It’s not a big deal if I don’t manage them all but it’s always good to have a goal to be working towards.

1. Budget. Give more generously and save insightfully.

I need to get in touch with Wise Friend as she has agreed to review my budget plans and hold me to account.

2. Establish a manageable and realistic bible reading/prayer/meditation routine.

I start an 8 week face-to-face taught mindfulness course tomorrow and I’m super excited about that. Once the course is over, I hope to have a good routine established.

3. Take part in a spiritual discipline course.

I have the materials I need… I just need the motivation to get going.  I’m hoping the spiritual discipline course can take things a bit deeper once the above routine is well established.

4. Count my blessings.

Jotting down the highlights, the good things, the happy things that happened during the day shouldn’t take too long.

5. Hang out with Former Housematey for a long weekend.

Former Housematey suggested the idea to me. I’m up for it! We just need to set a date.

6. Attend a cocktail making class.

I suggested this one to a friend, again, all we need to do is set a date.

7. Revisit Budapest (and spend more than 3 days there).

I quite like the idea of going in April but I suspect I’ll be busy with my dissertation then. Either way, at some point this year, I’d like to revisit Budapest to explore and see a bit more.

8. Establish a skincare routine beyond soap and water.

On my way back from Edinburgh last year, I bought some skincare products. I just need to get round to using them. This routine is about twice daily self-care.

9. Buy and wear make up.

Make up is never straightforward. I’ve spent a while thinking over why I want to wear makeup. I don’t feel that I need to wear makeup to cover up my uglies. But, I do like the idea of investing in myself and accentuating my fabulous facial features. It feels like a good time to start experimenting. I know I can lead a happy and confident life without makeup plastered on my face. Historically I didn’t wear makeup because I couldn’t stand the thought of sticking out from the crowd. I know I am happy in my own skin without makeup on, so let’s find out whether I can be happy with makeup on too.

10. Post MSc, figure out this internet dating malarkey and begin the search for My Future Husband.

This search could take a while. Better to start sooner rather than later. I’m quite picky, y’know?

11. Post MSc, set up a knitting group.

I’ve yet to decide on what numbers 12 and 13 will be. But I thought I’d leave a couple of gaps because stuff will probably crop up as the year progresses. Alternatively, I couldn’t think of 13 things. I’ll let you be the judge.

Inpatient blogging: 363 days on

Around about this time last year, I was an inpatient on a hospital ward run by Oxford Health NHS Foundation Trust. While I was in hospital, ward staff read the contents of this blog from cover to cover (652 page hits in one day, to be precise). Nearly one year on, I have been reflecting on the event. It was a tweet today that spurred me from reflection to writing. The user has a protected account so I won’t name them or quote verbatim. In response to seeing the news article ‘Hospital plan to spot abuse victims‘, they asked whether there are any plans to spot those who are abused in hospitals. What a bloody good question!

Staff rampaged my blog (I realise this is quite emotive language, but that’s what it felt like to me). What I experienced was not physical abuse, I would recommend checking out @Sectioned_ on twitter and their blog for more thoughts on that. Instead, I would suggest the way I was treated was ?misinformed ?misguided.. no, none of those words work. Well, the way I was treated was wrong. In April I met up with the Ward Manager and received an apology from Oxford Health Trust regarding their actions. I am glad that there has been recognition and acknowledgement that asking me to stop blogging while I was an inpatient was not the best course of action.

On multiple occasions (via twitter, in person and on the phone) I have offered to help Oxford Health write a policy surrounding the use of social media on inpatient wards. I am saddened that, as yet, they have not taken me up on this offer. In addition, the last time I checked in with the trust (via twitter), they had not written the policy. This seems like such a wasted opportunity to me. Social media is not going to go away. Earlier in the year, Victoria Betton (an NHS trust deputy director) talked to Mark Brown (editor of One in Four) surrounding his thoughts on social media and the NHS.

Social media is a boundary fucker.  We talk so much about confidentiality and protecting patients then you look and find people tweeting from inside inpatient wards while ill.  We find people who a trust will see as patients writing blogs that many more readers than the chief executive of the trust that provides them services…

…It also creates a situation for mental health where it is less ‘them and us’ and more ‘just us’.    There is something hugely satisfying in seeing someone who offline would be seen as a ‘patient’ discussing online with someone who would be seen as an ‘expert’ and both learning from that experience.

There were many, many people who left comments on here, tweeted me, retweeted me, emailed me, encouraged me and fought my corner for me and with me. What a fantastic bunch of people! I would love to see the ‘them’ and ‘us’ barriers broken down in mental health; social media has provided the medium for this to happen. I would love to see this further extended to inpatient wards too. Earlier this month, I wrote about the power imbalance that exists between staff and patients. If you are a member of staff working on a ward, I would encourage you to reflect on why you use the toilet designated for exclusive staff use. If you drink from your own coffee mug at work, I would encourage you to reflect on why this is. Would 2013 be the time to start breaking down these barriers? Would you commit to drinking from a plastic mug that patients use? If not, think about why this might be.

Over the year, I have heard snippets from various folks about the web. Last week I discovered that a Very Senior Person has been using my experience as a teaching case. In particular, they have been using it to illustrate the poor practice that I experienced. To me, this has made the hurt, the indignity, the pain and the suffering I experienced worth it. I would not wish for anyone else to go through what I experienced. It was degrading and humiliating to give up my phone for 24 hours. It was even worse to be asked to asked to stop blogging. I gave up a protective factor because staff did not have policy or procedure to follow. I was muted, not out of malice, but out of ignorance.

It feels trite to thank everyone for their support yet I am so grateful. 2013? Bring it on!