May I refer you to my post at the beginning of the year, 13 things for 2013?
#10. Post MSc, figure out this internet dating malarkey and begin the search for My Future Husband.
This search could take a while. Better to start sooner rather than later. I’m quite picky, y’know?
Back in May, I received an email from The Man I Quite Like (TMIQL). After emailing back and forth for a while, we agreed to meet up and I suggested a few days I was free. Those days came and went, including a Saturday that I’d left free. He didn’t get back to me. I was rather frustrated but I ranted about it on twitter and ended up spending the day with a dear friend from twitter instead. TMIQL eventually got back to me and apologised for being crap. We have not had a recurrence of such antics since.
The week before last, I met up with TMIQL for the first time. We met at 8pm and got chucked out of the coffeehouse at midnight. The time flew by as we chatted and got to know each other. The end was slightly awkward, mainly because he wouldn’t make eye contact with me so I just blabbered on about how I was crap at hugs but emphasised I’d had a lovely evening and suggested we should keep in touch. He lent forward and hugged me. We went our separate ways.
On Tuesday, we went for a walk to a pub (3 miles there, 3 miles back). At one point, TMIQL asked me a question and I just went off on one that meant I forgot his original question and had to ask what his question was. I apologised and said that I hoped I wasn’t monopolising the evening with all my jibber jabbering. On the way home, he said he liked it when I talked. My cynical heart softened a little bit. It was about 10pm when we left the pub so it was quite dark, TMIQL asked me whether I was ok in such conditions. I replied saying that under normal circumstances, from a personal safety point of view, I wouldn’t usually walk through a meadow full of horses and cows at night. And then I said “But I trust you.”
Oh gosh. How to unpack trust! Well, in this instance, trust meant… I trust you not to rape me. Do I trust TMIQL not to let me down? Nah. But I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to fully trust anyone. TMIQL then walked me back to my castle before heading home himself. (There are lots of mini castles within the larger castle so he doesn’t know my exact castle number.)
As we said goodbye, I blurted out something along the lines of perhaps needing to have a chat about whether we should deactivate our profiles on the dating website. I stressed that it was perhaps something we could talk about the next time we met up. We’re meeting up again today.
The plan is to meet and grab a coffee (well, hot chocolate or cold beverage depending on the weather) and then go for a walk so we can talk about Stuff. We spoke for an hour (that went scarily quickly) on the phone last night. The conversation was along the lines of wanting to Be Clear about where we’re at. I stressed that I don’t want to hurt him and I’d rather not get hurt myself. So I said it would be useful if we could perhaps review where we’re at.
I then need to disappear to run some errands but we’re going to meet up for lunch. And then hang out in the afternoon. And then he’s taking me out for dinner… I don’t know where exactly. But if he takes me to McDonalds, I’ll fire him.
The question at the back of my mind is “What if he tries to kiss me?!”
Obviously I would kiss him back. But… how do I kiss him? I’m a 30 year old woman who has not kissed anyone for 15 years. I feel rather like a teenager again.
The other question I am asking myself is about whether this is moving too quickly. Am I falling for TMIQL? I don’t love him, but I would say that I lust after him.
It makes me realise that being a spinster does have its up sides. It’s certainly less complicated. But spinsterhood simply has different complications. And then there is the question of The Parental Feet. They don’t know anything about TMIQL. If I told them, they’d only ask more questions. Questions that I probably don’t have the answers to.
And then there’s a part of me that just says… “Go with it. Enjoy the process. Get to know him. And I’ll be real and open with him too.”
And then I wonder when it’s best to tell him about my past. There are no etiquette guides as to whether worms, hospital, past abuse, dissociation and depression should be mentioned during a meal. It’s not really an appropriate topic for the starters, main courses, desserts or coffees, is it?
I woke up in the night and realised that I really need to remember to stress that I really do like Dolly Parton. I mustn’t forget Dolly Parton. Even if TMIQL doesn’t stay in my life, Dolly certainly will.